Eulogy for Milton

Dearly beloved we have gathered here today to honor the life of Milton, a car whose "character" and outspoken engine never failed to give passengers pause before entering. Mitlon my (t)rusty 1992 Honda Civic passed away this past Tuesday at the age of 189,354 miles. Below is listed a complete list of the parts and systems that were either missing or broken at the time of his passing. The name Milton struck me as appropriate for a car that was frugal, not flashy and obvious prone to commuting. Maybe it he were a person he would commute to an office job, pay taxes and take a modest if not dull vacation every 3 years. Maybe even a stay-cation. He was simple and reserved, knowing value was not in his plain-jane appearance but in the content of his hood. I purchased Milton in 2003 from a Hispanic fellow by the name of Abraham for $2700 dollars after a blown tire on a slick freeway totaled my '85 Corolla (rest his soul). He was the newest car I had ever owned. Not long after we were acquainted Milton held nearly everything I owned as he helped me move out of my apartment and take a new direction in life. Milton would go on to dutifully move all my belongings an additional eight times. This included the 368 mile journey south to Santa Barbara. The nearly deafening rattle of the transmission and the incessant clang of the front fender flapping in the wind were almost a comfort as I pulled out of the driveway and headed for a promising new beginning. Yes there was always plenty of time to think on those trips without such distractions as a radio. After Milton's passenger side window was smashed for access to the stereo I made the decision to never again install a radio for fear of making Milton a target. The engine noise was so loud generally phone calls were difficult if not possible. Yep just me, Milton, and the road. Gradually Milton began to show his age as the miles ticked on. His once flawless white paint began to peel and rust under the Santa Barbara sun and sea air. Much like ill-fitting glasses on the nose of a hard working office worker the bumper refused to stay in place. Tape, rope, glue, expoxy, zip ties, wood, screws, bolts were all used in vain to keep that bumper in place. Various stains and smells accumulated causing first time riders to raise eye brows or contort their faces like they were sucking on a sour candy. Despite Milton deteriorating exterior and the troubling noises it made I can recall getting 420 miles on one full tank of gas heading home for Christmas. Indeed until the very end Milton got 37-38 mpg.
On Tuesday I sold Milton for $200 dollars after the doctors at Meinke diagnosed a blown head gasket and failing transmission. The daily commute over the pass the last few months had been hard on him and between you and me I think his spirit had been broken. Too many moves, too many long drives home, too many leaks to continue. Part of me feels responsible because I often complained about driving a car that had all the amenities of a ford model-T, admitted embarrassed by his condition. I longed to feel like an adult and to have an adult car, not one that looked like it was abandoned and then drove into hell by a 16 year old. For this, old Milt, i am sorry. You were everything I needed for a tumultuous 8 years: reliable, economical, and a constant source of amusement as things continued to fall off and/or break. We neither got into any accidents or got any tickets. Only twice do I recall needed to call for help because you didn't start. Even when your engine failed on the pass this Tuesday you showed tremendous valour finishing the grade and taking me home in your triumphant last ride. Thanks old friend. I only hope my next vehicle can serve me as well only have a radio and maybe power windows or air conditioning.... dome light that comes on....that's all.

Official report:
Blown head gasket (official cause of death)
Failing transmission (didn't help any)
No power steering (sever leaks required expensive repair)
No a/c
Heater stuck permanently to most hot setting
No radio or speakers of any kind (stolen on separate occasions)
Paint peeling (cheap paint job prior to my purchase)
Rust on truck and hood
Broken driver side door handle (there's a special trick to getting out)
Permanently locked or unlock rear door ( you choose)
Broken rear view mirror driver side (ultimate insult happened Monday night at the hands of neighborhood hoodlums)
More stains and foul smells than the homes of the people featured on Animal Planets "Animal Hoarders"
Dash display the would light up roughly 65% of the time
Multiple oil leaks
Belts that were frayed
Bumper flapping in the wind
No lamp house or turn signal on the front passenger side (fell off somewhere)
Broken turn signal rear same side (backed into fence)
Missing Honda emblem (fell off at car wash-glued back on- then fell off again after slamming hood closed after trying to jump its dead battery)

Rust in peace my friend. The images below are the last taken of Milton though some of you my want to remember him in his better years. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaamazing Graiace how saweet the sound......hmmm hmmmm